With my medication different this time around, I'm finding myself crazy emotional. Everything Matt is doing is driving me crazy, I want to cry after every shot at night and I have no patience for anything. To make matters worse, I'm upset at myself for being upset and emotional! Sounds like I can't win and I'm in desperate need of getting my head in a better space.

The funny thing about this whole process is that I've found a phlebotomist at the lab and I've clutched on to this man like he was my 1st cousin. Every morning I go in, I request him and I'll sit in the waiting room double time to ensure I get him. It may be crazy and I may be totally nuts for doing this, but just knowing that the best phlebotomist in the lab is going to do my blood makes me feel better. Having the connection makes me settle and feel more calm. Trust me, I've had my blood done by all of them. I think I'm still trying to heal from one of the ladies in the lab that drew my blood in July and when I go on the weekends and I know my guy isn't going to be there, I panic. For good reason! It's just not the same when it's not "your" phlebotomist.

I'm heading back into the doctor's office tomorrow for the usual tests - blood and ultrasound. I'm starting to dread these appointments, but I think this also has to do with the medication and the way I'm feeling. They really aren't that big of a deal (oh wait, except when you wait an hour in the waiting room like I did last weekend).  Wish me luck for a good AM!
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As I'm reading this post back to myself, I'm realizing this is terribly melancholy and depressing, the tone is terrible and negative. Ugh, I'm sorry for such a Debbie Downer post. I'm going to close up shop, get my daily gratitude in and wake up on the right side of the bed in the morning. :)

I recently wrote about not being "there" yet mentally. Wondering if it was a bad thing I wasn't thinking about this IVF cycle or stressing or trying to see into the future. Well that is now totally washed away, as I already feel knee deep in this.

While I know the gloomy, rainy Boston weather is getting to me, I just feel drained.  I've had 2 FML moments this week and it's only Tuesday! With promise from the RN, AF showed and I feel terrible. On top of that, I'm about to begin the second phase of the shots and while I've mastered the Lupron and have been doing that myself this time (insert applause!), I now need to rely on Matt for the other shot. I'm not comfortable giving the Gonal to myself - it's like a giant king size permanent marker type of shot. I just can't manage and I wonder if this drained feeling is me realizing that I need to let go again. Let go of the control I always want around every situation. Last cycle, Matt was more than amazing at giving me the shots and we jived into this team, but I'm dreading tonight...rather I'm dreading the remaining 45 minutes I have until it's go time.  I'm sure my emotions (which are running way high) are due to AF and this feeling of defeat will soon fade, but all I really want to do is crawl into a ball (maybe this will help with the cramps!) and sob.

I really need to follow my own advice and stay positive. I really need to look at today and give gratitude where it is deserved. I really need to believe and believe in myself, believe in us. I really need to let go of the control and have trust that everything will be fine.  It really is easier to said then done, but hmm, for a second there I actually felt good.