With my medication different this time around, I'm finding myself crazy emotional. Everything Matt is doing is driving me crazy, I want to cry after every shot at night and I have no patience for anything. To make matters worse, I'm upset at myself for being upset and emotional! Sounds like I can't win and I'm in desperate need of getting my head in a better space.

The funny thing about this whole process is that I've found a phlebotomist at the lab and I've clutched on to this man like he was my 1st cousin. Every morning I go in, I request him and I'll sit in the waiting room double time to ensure I get him. It may be crazy and I may be totally nuts for doing this, but just knowing that the best phlebotomist in the lab is going to do my blood makes me feel better. Having the connection makes me settle and feel more calm. Trust me, I've had my blood done by all of them. I think I'm still trying to heal from one of the ladies in the lab that drew my blood in July and when I go on the weekends and I know my guy isn't going to be there, I panic. For good reason! It's just not the same when it's not "your" phlebotomist.

I'm heading back into the doctor's office tomorrow for the usual tests - blood and ultrasound. I'm starting to dread these appointments, but I think this also has to do with the medication and the way I'm feeling. They really aren't that big of a deal (oh wait, except when you wait an hour in the waiting room like I did last weekend).  Wish me luck for a good AM!
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As I'm reading this post back to myself, I'm realizing this is terribly melancholy and depressing, the tone is terrible and negative. Ugh, I'm sorry for such a Debbie Downer post. I'm going to close up shop, get my daily gratitude in and wake up on the right side of the bed in the morning. :)

I recently wrote about not being "there" yet mentally. Wondering if it was a bad thing I wasn't thinking about this IVF cycle or stressing or trying to see into the future. Well that is now totally washed away, as I already feel knee deep in this.

While I know the gloomy, rainy Boston weather is getting to me, I just feel drained.  I've had 2 FML moments this week and it's only Tuesday! With promise from the RN, AF showed and I feel terrible. On top of that, I'm about to begin the second phase of the shots and while I've mastered the Lupron and have been doing that myself this time (insert applause!), I now need to rely on Matt for the other shot. I'm not comfortable giving the Gonal to myself - it's like a giant king size permanent marker type of shot. I just can't manage and I wonder if this drained feeling is me realizing that I need to let go again. Let go of the control I always want around every situation. Last cycle, Matt was more than amazing at giving me the shots and we jived into this team, but I'm dreading tonight...rather I'm dreading the remaining 45 minutes I have until it's go time.  I'm sure my emotions (which are running way high) are due to AF and this feeling of defeat will soon fade, but all I really want to do is crawl into a ball (maybe this will help with the cramps!) and sob.

I really need to follow my own advice and stay positive. I really need to look at today and give gratitude where it is deserved. I really need to believe and believe in myself, believe in us. I really need to let go of the control and have trust that everything will be fine.  It really is easier to said then done, but hmm, for a second there I actually felt good.

It has been forever since my last post, I've had such a busy August and it seems to have flown by. I had my vacation the second week of August which was amazing, filled with the beach, sunshine and time with my niece. I returned to work, realizing that it's tough to be out for a week and get back into the swing of things. I was dreading the week and remember doing everything in my power to procrastinate. 

Then I had another week's vacation last week, I know super spoiled. Matt and I took a trip down the Saco river with another couple and camped for two nights. I don't think I have been that relaxed and mindless for over two years. Before leaving, its funny because our friends saw me packing something in a personal cooler and asked what it was. Spilling the beans - I told them we were doing IVF and it was just as awkward as I thought it was going to be and nothing about it was really talked about after that moment. I think women in general tend to over share, but I wasn't about to not tell the truth around why I have a vial in a personal cooler and why I'm going to need ice throughout the whole entire trip.

On our way up to Maine, I found out that I wasn't going to have to start my Lupron while on the trip and that I needed to return for more blood tests the day we were returning home. Once I knew that, I think I let everything go. I stayed totally present and in the moment with my hubby and our friends (whom, btw, have a 3 year old).  I was able to let loose and be worry free and was so excited and happy to be on our little getaway. The day we returned from Maine, I flew out to DC to take care of my niece for the week before her school started. It was such a great week we had so much fun and everyday was filled with something new. It was so nice to have some one-on-one time with her, as all day it was just me and her and the ability to do whatever we pleased.  I was able to leave DC before the hurricane hit, even switching my flight to early in the morning to ensure I going to be able to make it home.

While in DC, I got the call that I needed to start my Lupron. For some reason, it's so much easier this time. I'm not sure if it's because the dose is different or if it's because the syringes are different, but I was able to handle these shots like a professional.  It was all me this time, I was the one having to prepare and give them to myself and while I thought I was going to have more anxiety around the process, I think that I was so preoccupied with my niece, my sister and her husband, that I just wanted to get it done and move on.  It really hasn't hit me yet that we've started the 2nd cycle, it sounds funny even typing that. I just feel like I'm not mentally there yet and it's scaring me.  I'm hoping I will wrap my head around this soon, but wonder if it's just better to coast through and go through the motions. It's hard to know what's the right/best way to be. I guess we never do know, do we.

I'm back from vacation and back to work, blah. I spent some much needed time with my 9 year old niece and it was just so refreshing to be with her. It seems like yesterday she was a little 2 year old and now she's wearing the same size shoe as me, how the heck did that happen. Being with her really makes me want to be a mom, one day I hope.

Since being back, I haven't been on the blogs much. Every day seems to be different and sometimes I feel great and I'm grateful to have this down time and other days I just feel like the life is sucked out of me. There is the looming feeling of knowing that in a week I'll be back to shots, back to being on a schedule and needing to know what time it is and back to the doctor's appointments and blood tests. I want to be wrapped up and living in the now, but knowing that this is around the corner is starting to get to me.  While I can, I should be fancy free, cracking a beer open and going crazy, but my heart isn't into that and I'm trying desperately to stay positive about doing another IVF cycle.

I think now is the time to go savor these moments before things start to get interesting on Friday. Here's to staying positive, staying grounded and being thankful for today.

It's the fourth day of my vacation and I'm feeling great. It's funny how a little downtime can get your mind and body back in working order. I wish I had the desire to exercise and maybe go for a run, but so far I haven't had the urge. The lack of exercise will get to me later this week for sure. It's a gorgeous beach day today and all I can think about is laying in the sun and soaking it up.

Last Friday we received our new IVF cycle #2 schedule. This waiting period before we begin is great and I'm grateful to have it, but at the same time the anticipation is killing me. I wonder how this cycle will be different, how things will go and what the outcome will be. It's a little hard not to think about it, even while being on vacation.

When I start the shots, that week I'm traveling via airplane to another state. Anyone have experience with this? I have a doctors note saying I can travel with syringes, but I'm a super nervous flyer to begin with and having to deal with meds, that need to stay cold, while trying to get through security is making me a little anxious. I really shouldn't be stressing about this now, I know. This is just so me, worry worry and worry some more, way before I need to.

Anyway, I was feeling a little blog withdrawal and now its back to my book, the sun and some more relaxing.

I really value and appreciate all women that speak about infertility. You sometimes feel like you can't tell anyone what is going on or maybe no one outside your immediate family and I find that upsetting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at work telling people about what all my doctor's appointments are and I'm not telling all of my friends, it's just a difficult thing to bring up. Yet I still find it upsetting that women and men can't be more open about it.  Look at all the people in the waiting room of your doctor's office and look at all the women lined up on gurneys for egg retrieval, more and more people are having trouble conceiving.  So why do I always feel like I have to keep it in?

I'm going to go Hollywood here for a minute, but I love how Giuliana Rancic has come out and shared (really shared) her and her husbands difficulties getting pregnant.  She talks so openly about her situation and I'm so thankful for that.  I definitely watch their show on Style and will admit that I watch because they are going through what I'm going through. I find peace in knowing that I'm not the only one (I can sometimes feel like that) and I really treasure what they have to say.  It's nice to see them use the platform they have and do that to help others.

The past couple of days I've been taking it easy and enjoying every minute with Matt, I've been in this kind of worry free stage.  On Friday we have another doctor's appointment to go over instructions for cycle #2. I'm trying to stay positive here and I'm really ready to try again, mentally and definitely physically. I'm back in the gym and back to being social and I'm so grateful for that. Oh and my arms are finally not black, blue and yellow anymore - I think that's a good sign - must mean my veins are also ready for cycle #2.

I've started the waiting game again, waiting for AF to arrive and if she's anything like last time (48 days) I shouldn't be holding my breath.  This has been one of the most stressed times because I've felt like everything revolves around AF and you really can't start planning, scheduling or thinking about timing until it decides to make an appearance.  I sort of laugh when the doctor says she thinks I should get it this week...well the wait is still on and there is no sight of AF.

Since I'm faced with my first failed cycle and during this time of waiting, it's increasingly difficult to stay positive. Is it the hormones? I firmly believe yes, but that doesn't help the situation. Last night I was stuck in my head before going to bed, which led to tears and me feeling as though Matt wasn't understanding what I was trying to communicate.  I need a session with Patrice, stat! While it is so important to stay positive throughout this experience, it certainly wears on your soul, and I want to live for the now. I want to live for today and not think about what's next or next time or what if this or that, but can you truly stay positive day in and day out? 

I'm meeting my two best friends for lunch tomorrow, one of which just announced she's pregnant with her first. I know there will be prego talks and questions and I'm nervous about how this is going to make me feel.  I've known these girls since I was 2 and our friendship grows even stronger as we grow older. How can I find the strength for tomorrow? I feel as though just writing this I'm on the verge of tears and I'm worried about exploding at the lunch table when asked about me - the question "how's it going with you and Matt" is scaring the crap out me. I don't want to answer, I don't want to divulge...yet I know I need the support. It's such a fine line, and I haven't quite figured out how to walk it.

Sometimes you are forced to raise your hands in the air, look to the sky and say "what is the lesson here?"  This is exactly what I did two hours after gasping for breath because of crying so hard and only after the two hours did I pause for a minute and wonder that.

I got a call from the doctor saying that we wouldn't need to come back to the office for a transfer. The eggs didn't mature and therefore there were no viable embryos to transfer back into me.  After the days of shots and doctor's appointments, feeling bloated and worried, I got the call I never thought would come. Immediately, my legs were weak, yet I was so focused on what the doctor was saying, writing each word on a notepad like a good secretary.  It wasn't until I made it from the walk-way to my car that I felt my heart sink and grow heavy.  Having heard the news first, it was even more difficult to tell Matt when he arrived home from work. I didn't know what to say or how to say anything, I looked like I got run over by a train, my tear stained face hurt from crying so much.  This was going to be the most difficult part and when he arrived home and through the door all I could muster up to say was "I have bad news."  In front of him I felt like a wall of mirrors tumbling down, I was vulnerable and crushed.

I had never felt stronger or more proud of myself the days leading up to this call. I had done it; I had gone through the most difficult phase of this process and soon would be onto the waiting game, waiting for the day I could go get the blood pregnancy test.  What was more concerning now was that the doctor wanted to see Matt and I right away and discuss what happened and next steps.  Once in the doctor's office she explained the situation a little more, that only 3 eggs fertilized (out of 15 eggs retrieved) and then out of those 3, none matured and they stopped dividing.  In the end it wasn't good news for the sperm or egg and next time she recommends starting with only a Lupron injection and injecting the sperm into the egg themselves. 

I have always thought that everyone's story is different and you can't compare yourself with anyone when it comes to trying to conceive.  Each of us are so different and bring different elements to the table, that you just never know.  So again I ask, what is the lesson here?  The lesson is that we needed more information about what has been happening with our bodies and why we haven't been able to conceive for almost 2 years.  From this lesson, we can take the information and try to make it better and more successful.  I can shed tears and get down, but I know I'm stronger than before and I'm not willing to give up just yet. 

The last few days seem to be a blur. The days leading up to the egg retrieval, I was so wrapped up in thinking about the egg retrieval day, I couldn't do much but try to relax. Try to relax because I was so bloated I could barely move, could barely sit, stand or lay down.  Today is the day after the retrieval and yesterday went well. I was unusually calm all the way to the doctors and then once we entered the staging room, I began to get very nervous.  What looked like I was cold was just me shaking from the nerves.  One by one, three other women get their IV's put in and then are ushered beyond a door to the procedure room.  It was my turn and after kissing Matt, I too was ushered into that room.  Before even resting my head comfortably, I was in la la land and waking up in the staging room I had just left from.  When the nurse said that the IV was going to be worse part, she was right.  After a few minutes of trying to wake up and seeing Matt coming back to my bedside to rub my head and give me some ginger ale, we were soon on our way home.  Shortly after returning home, I went to bed and slept for 2 hours.  I was groggy and tired when I woke and per doctors orders began drinking Gatorade and water.

I thought retrieval day would be the most difficult part of this process, past the shots of course (really, who likes needles?). All I can do is hope and pray things are going well, that egg meets sperm, egg likes sperm and they decide to live happily ever after.  This part is out of my hands.

I'll admit to being a total control freak in my life. I run events for a living, how many event planners aren't control freaks?  Patrice really helped me realize that there are ways to give up that control, in a good way. While speaking to her, I found and she found that when we spoke about the IVF process I immediately got tense. My shoulders began to creep up to my ears as we spoke about the process.  I became jittery and anxiety swept over my body.  I know that all the anxiety was coming from whether or not I felt like I had the strength to take on IVF.  At the time, my husband Matt and I were on a much needed break from trying to get pregnant.  I was feeling better, more myself and needed the break so that we could both figure out what the next steps were to be, what was in the cards for us. 

For a while on the break, we didn't speak much about TTC (trying to conceive).  I decided to have fun, make some cocktails and enjoy this time off.  It was time to get us and our marriage back on track.  However, the thoughts continue in the back of your head and you slowly start to talk about what's next.  I had been reading (and still am I'm such a slow reader!) Living Life as a Thank you, The Transformative Power of Daily Gratitude which is a book of stories of people that live their life through thank you’s and how daily gratitude can change your perspective on life.  I find this book to be so powerful for me, full of messages that you can read and re-read.  What was just a book in the clearance section of Border’s has turned into something I don't want to finish because I find the stories to be so moving.  I have found that we should be grateful for every day, for the small things and say thank you to our bodies, minds and anything, big or small.  I've learned how to acknowledge when to be grateful and not letting those moments slip by.  The feeling I got from this book made me realize that I am strong enough for the next step.
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I've spent a good part of the last half hour trying to get comfortable, something that over the past few days has become increasingly difficult.  I can't sit, I can't stand, I can't lay down...all these positions are uncomfortable.  It's the 8th day of injections, the first 5 days there were only two injections and then a third was added.  The shots, something I was stressed and anxious about have been just fine.  I thank Matt every day for taking control and taking the anxiety off me by doing the injections for me.  The nightly ritual has been a nice way for him and I to be doing something pregnancy related together. 

Aside from the uncomfortableness, I am also feeling like a human dart board.  My arms are bruised up like a junkie on the street and my stomach has quite the array of red dots all over it.  But so far so good I say, after each and every day.  They say I need to go back in for an ultrasound and blood work (more holes in the arms!) tomorrow and that I may be just days away from retrieval.  It's funny, after hearing that all I could think was "I only have a few days to get mentally prepared for that!" Yes, I thought I needed more than a few days to mentally prepare.  I guess I should look at it differently, I may only have a few more shots left.

As I tell my story on this blog, it's bringing back to some hard times in my life.  When I first started the clomid cycle I read all these online message boards and I think that was a bad idea looking back.  The women on the boards were not of my age group and I think this played a part in me feeling so isolated.  I felt like the only 30 year old that wasn't having an easy time at conceiving.  I promised myself to not look at those anymore, even if I was in dire need of some personal experience. 

The 3 months I took clomid was the most difficult months of my 3 1/2 year marriage and yes, I blame the hormones.  From knock out drag out fights at 10pm to the overly emotional times, I felt so alone.  I felt like my husband didn't know what I was going through, I felt like I was going through it all by myself and I felt like he didn't understand me.  I even avoided my best friends and physically isolated myself - looking back, not the best idea.  I remember very specifically one night I was on the verge of tears and I realized I need to talk to someone about this - not my mom, not my best friend, not my husband...a trained professional. Never in my life have I ever considered therapy, but it was one of the best decisions I made for myself.  Through my insurance, I found a woman near my home that specialized in infertility and to this day I continue to see her.  Patrice has been such a life saver, an outsider and someone that challenges me to think differently about everything. At the time I first saw Patrice, I was deep into a clomid cycle and she let me borrow a book, Concurring Infertility. I recommend this book for two reason, it makes you realize you aren't crazy and the emotions you are feeling happens to other people and because it's great to have your husband/partner read this to gain a better understanding about what you are going through. 

I hope that if you're reading this you will ask me questions about my clomid and IUI cycles.  I hope to be someone for you to go to, when you feel isolated and alone.  We shouldn't have to feel that way and we shouldn't feel like we can't talk about our difficulties and challenges with trying to conceive.  Easier said then done, I know.

I was optimistic about all the testing you have to do first to determine what might be the cause of not being able to conceive.  The lab/blood work was easy and proved that everything was in working order.  My husband "deposited" his specimen and and that came back alright.  I then had to have the HSG test, which I wasn't prepared for at all.  What the doctors describe as a little cramping pain is a bunch of bull.  I was caught off guard with a jointing pain during the test, a pain that woke me up and made me realize that this was serious.  While that test came back "all clear," I was beginning to realize that they all were coming back that way. 

Having finally survived through all the testing, the reason was still up in the air.  The anxiety of the next appointment was overwhelming, we were going in to see what the doctor thinks about our situation.  After about 15 minutes of the doctor reciting the test results and her thoughts, she gave us a diagnosis and a term that to this day I can't get out of my head.  Unexplained Infertility. 

Being told a doctor doesn't know what is wrong with you is quite possibly the most frustrating thing.  Immediately following the fact that we've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, we were faced with two choices, do a clomid and IUI cycle or go straight to IVF.  All I heard in my head is - we don't know what's wrong, next stop medical intervention.  The little piece of hope that had always been inside my heart had just crumbled. Growing up I always pictured meeting the "one," falling in love, getting married and then having a baby. At no point did I ever think that trying to have a baby was going to be do difficult.  I keep thinking that I'm the only one out there that has this diagnosis or is having this problem.  I wondered if maybe we didn't follow charting enough, maybe we just didn't get the timing right and maybe next month will be different.  I was holding out hope, but I was also ready to look into something different - clomid and IUI here we come.