I recently wrote about not being "there" yet mentally. Wondering if it was a bad thing I wasn't thinking about this IVF cycle or stressing or trying to see into the future. Well that is now totally washed away, as I already feel knee deep in this.

While I know the gloomy, rainy Boston weather is getting to me, I just feel drained.  I've had 2 FML moments this week and it's only Tuesday! With promise from the RN, AF showed and I feel terrible. On top of that, I'm about to begin the second phase of the shots and while I've mastered the Lupron and have been doing that myself this time (insert applause!), I now need to rely on Matt for the other shot. I'm not comfortable giving the Gonal to myself - it's like a giant king size permanent marker type of shot. I just can't manage and I wonder if this drained feeling is me realizing that I need to let go again. Let go of the control I always want around every situation. Last cycle, Matt was more than amazing at giving me the shots and we jived into this team, but I'm dreading tonight...rather I'm dreading the remaining 45 minutes I have until it's go time.  I'm sure my emotions (which are running way high) are due to AF and this feeling of defeat will soon fade, but all I really want to do is crawl into a ball (maybe this will help with the cramps!) and sob.

I really need to follow my own advice and stay positive. I really need to look at today and give gratitude where it is deserved. I really need to believe and believe in myself, believe in us. I really need to let go of the control and have trust that everything will be fine.  It really is easier to said then done, but hmm, for a second there I actually felt good.