I've started the waiting game again, waiting for AF to arrive and if she's anything like last time (48 days) I shouldn't be holding my breath.  This has been one of the most stressed times because I've felt like everything revolves around AF and you really can't start planning, scheduling or thinking about timing until it decides to make an appearance.  I sort of laugh when the doctor says she thinks I should get it this week...well the wait is still on and there is no sight of AF.

Since I'm faced with my first failed cycle and during this time of waiting, it's increasingly difficult to stay positive. Is it the hormones? I firmly believe yes, but that doesn't help the situation. Last night I was stuck in my head before going to bed, which led to tears and me feeling as though Matt wasn't understanding what I was trying to communicate.  I need a session with Patrice, stat! While it is so important to stay positive throughout this experience, it certainly wears on your soul, and I want to live for the now. I want to live for today and not think about what's next or next time or what if this or that, but can you truly stay positive day in and day out? 

I'm meeting my two best friends for lunch tomorrow, one of which just announced she's pregnant with her first. I know there will be prego talks and questions and I'm nervous about how this is going to make me feel.  I've known these girls since I was 2 and our friendship grows even stronger as we grow older. How can I find the strength for tomorrow? I feel as though just writing this I'm on the verge of tears and I'm worried about exploding at the lunch table when asked about me - the question "how's it going with you and Matt" is scaring the crap out me. I don't want to answer, I don't want to divulge...yet I know I need the support. It's such a fine line, and I haven't quite figured out how to walk it.