It has been forever since my last post, I've had such a busy August and it seems to have flown by. I had my vacation the second week of August which was amazing, filled with the beach, sunshine and time with my niece. I returned to work, realizing that it's tough to be out for a week and get back into the swing of things. I was dreading the week and remember doing everything in my power to procrastinate. 

Then I had another week's vacation last week, I know super spoiled. Matt and I took a trip down the Saco river with another couple and camped for two nights. I don't think I have been that relaxed and mindless for over two years. Before leaving, its funny because our friends saw me packing something in a personal cooler and asked what it was. Spilling the beans - I told them we were doing IVF and it was just as awkward as I thought it was going to be and nothing about it was really talked about after that moment. I think women in general tend to over share, but I wasn't about to not tell the truth around why I have a vial in a personal cooler and why I'm going to need ice throughout the whole entire trip.

On our way up to Maine, I found out that I wasn't going to have to start my Lupron while on the trip and that I needed to return for more blood tests the day we were returning home. Once I knew that, I think I let everything go. I stayed totally present and in the moment with my hubby and our friends (whom, btw, have a 3 year old).  I was able to let loose and be worry free and was so excited and happy to be on our little getaway. The day we returned from Maine, I flew out to DC to take care of my niece for the week before her school started. It was such a great week we had so much fun and everyday was filled with something new. It was so nice to have some one-on-one time with her, as all day it was just me and her and the ability to do whatever we pleased.  I was able to leave DC before the hurricane hit, even switching my flight to early in the morning to ensure I going to be able to make it home.

While in DC, I got the call that I needed to start my Lupron. For some reason, it's so much easier this time. I'm not sure if it's because the dose is different or if it's because the syringes are different, but I was able to handle these shots like a professional.  It was all me this time, I was the one having to prepare and give them to myself and while I thought I was going to have more anxiety around the process, I think that I was so preoccupied with my niece, my sister and her husband, that I just wanted to get it done and move on.  It really hasn't hit me yet that we've started the 2nd cycle, it sounds funny even typing that. I just feel like I'm not mentally there yet and it's scaring me.  I'm hoping I will wrap my head around this soon, but wonder if it's just better to coast through and go through the motions. It's hard to know what's the right/best way to be. I guess we never do know, do we.

I'm back from vacation and back to work, blah. I spent some much needed time with my 9 year old niece and it was just so refreshing to be with her. It seems like yesterday she was a little 2 year old and now she's wearing the same size shoe as me, how the heck did that happen. Being with her really makes me want to be a mom, one day I hope.

Since being back, I haven't been on the blogs much. Every day seems to be different and sometimes I feel great and I'm grateful to have this down time and other days I just feel like the life is sucked out of me. There is the looming feeling of knowing that in a week I'll be back to shots, back to being on a schedule and needing to know what time it is and back to the doctor's appointments and blood tests. I want to be wrapped up and living in the now, but knowing that this is around the corner is starting to get to me.  While I can, I should be fancy free, cracking a beer open and going crazy, but my heart isn't into that and I'm trying desperately to stay positive about doing another IVF cycle.

I think now is the time to go savor these moments before things start to get interesting on Friday. Here's to staying positive, staying grounded and being thankful for today.

It's the fourth day of my vacation and I'm feeling great. It's funny how a little downtime can get your mind and body back in working order. I wish I had the desire to exercise and maybe go for a run, but so far I haven't had the urge. The lack of exercise will get to me later this week for sure. It's a gorgeous beach day today and all I can think about is laying in the sun and soaking it up.

Last Friday we received our new IVF cycle #2 schedule. This waiting period before we begin is great and I'm grateful to have it, but at the same time the anticipation is killing me. I wonder how this cycle will be different, how things will go and what the outcome will be. It's a little hard not to think about it, even while being on vacation.

When I start the shots, that week I'm traveling via airplane to another state. Anyone have experience with this? I have a doctors note saying I can travel with syringes, but I'm a super nervous flyer to begin with and having to deal with meds, that need to stay cold, while trying to get through security is making me a little anxious. I really shouldn't be stressing about this now, I know. This is just so me, worry worry and worry some more, way before I need to.

Anyway, I was feeling a little blog withdrawal and now its back to my book, the sun and some more relaxing.

I really value and appreciate all women that speak about infertility. You sometimes feel like you can't tell anyone what is going on or maybe no one outside your immediate family and I find that upsetting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at work telling people about what all my doctor's appointments are and I'm not telling all of my friends, it's just a difficult thing to bring up. Yet I still find it upsetting that women and men can't be more open about it.  Look at all the people in the waiting room of your doctor's office and look at all the women lined up on gurneys for egg retrieval, more and more people are having trouble conceiving.  So why do I always feel like I have to keep it in?

I'm going to go Hollywood here for a minute, but I love how Giuliana Rancic has come out and shared (really shared) her and her husbands difficulties getting pregnant.  She talks so openly about her situation and I'm so thankful for that.  I definitely watch their show on Style and will admit that I watch because they are going through what I'm going through. I find peace in knowing that I'm not the only one (I can sometimes feel like that) and I really treasure what they have to say.  It's nice to see them use the platform they have and do that to help others.

The past couple of days I've been taking it easy and enjoying every minute with Matt, I've been in this kind of worry free stage.  On Friday we have another doctor's appointment to go over instructions for cycle #2. I'm trying to stay positive here and I'm really ready to try again, mentally and definitely physically. I'm back in the gym and back to being social and I'm so grateful for that. Oh and my arms are finally not black, blue and yellow anymore - I think that's a good sign - must mean my veins are also ready for cycle #2.

I've started the waiting game again, waiting for AF to arrive and if she's anything like last time (48 days) I shouldn't be holding my breath.  This has been one of the most stressed times because I've felt like everything revolves around AF and you really can't start planning, scheduling or thinking about timing until it decides to make an appearance.  I sort of laugh when the doctor says she thinks I should get it this week...well the wait is still on and there is no sight of AF.

Since I'm faced with my first failed cycle and during this time of waiting, it's increasingly difficult to stay positive. Is it the hormones? I firmly believe yes, but that doesn't help the situation. Last night I was stuck in my head before going to bed, which led to tears and me feeling as though Matt wasn't understanding what I was trying to communicate.  I need a session with Patrice, stat! While it is so important to stay positive throughout this experience, it certainly wears on your soul, and I want to live for the now. I want to live for today and not think about what's next or next time or what if this or that, but can you truly stay positive day in and day out? 

I'm meeting my two best friends for lunch tomorrow, one of which just announced she's pregnant with her first. I know there will be prego talks and questions and I'm nervous about how this is going to make me feel.  I've known these girls since I was 2 and our friendship grows even stronger as we grow older. How can I find the strength for tomorrow? I feel as though just writing this I'm on the verge of tears and I'm worried about exploding at the lunch table when asked about me - the question "how's it going with you and Matt" is scaring the crap out me. I don't want to answer, I don't want to divulge...yet I know I need the support. It's such a fine line, and I haven't quite figured out how to walk it.

Sometimes you are forced to raise your hands in the air, look to the sky and say "what is the lesson here?"  This is exactly what I did two hours after gasping for breath because of crying so hard and only after the two hours did I pause for a minute and wonder that.

I got a call from the doctor saying that we wouldn't need to come back to the office for a transfer. The eggs didn't mature and therefore there were no viable embryos to transfer back into me.  After the days of shots and doctor's appointments, feeling bloated and worried, I got the call I never thought would come. Immediately, my legs were weak, yet I was so focused on what the doctor was saying, writing each word on a notepad like a good secretary.  It wasn't until I made it from the walk-way to my car that I felt my heart sink and grow heavy.  Having heard the news first, it was even more difficult to tell Matt when he arrived home from work. I didn't know what to say or how to say anything, I looked like I got run over by a train, my tear stained face hurt from crying so much.  This was going to be the most difficult part and when he arrived home and through the door all I could muster up to say was "I have bad news."  In front of him I felt like a wall of mirrors tumbling down, I was vulnerable and crushed.

I had never felt stronger or more proud of myself the days leading up to this call. I had done it; I had gone through the most difficult phase of this process and soon would be onto the waiting game, waiting for the day I could go get the blood pregnancy test.  What was more concerning now was that the doctor wanted to see Matt and I right away and discuss what happened and next steps.  Once in the doctor's office she explained the situation a little more, that only 3 eggs fertilized (out of 15 eggs retrieved) and then out of those 3, none matured and they stopped dividing.  In the end it wasn't good news for the sperm or egg and next time she recommends starting with only a Lupron injection and injecting the sperm into the egg themselves. 

I have always thought that everyone's story is different and you can't compare yourself with anyone when it comes to trying to conceive.  Each of us are so different and bring different elements to the table, that you just never know.  So again I ask, what is the lesson here?  The lesson is that we needed more information about what has been happening with our bodies and why we haven't been able to conceive for almost 2 years.  From this lesson, we can take the information and try to make it better and more successful.  I can shed tears and get down, but I know I'm stronger than before and I'm not willing to give up just yet. 

The last few days seem to be a blur. The days leading up to the egg retrieval, I was so wrapped up in thinking about the egg retrieval day, I couldn't do much but try to relax. Try to relax because I was so bloated I could barely move, could barely sit, stand or lay down.  Today is the day after the retrieval and yesterday went well. I was unusually calm all the way to the doctors and then once we entered the staging room, I began to get very nervous.  What looked like I was cold was just me shaking from the nerves.  One by one, three other women get their IV's put in and then are ushered beyond a door to the procedure room.  It was my turn and after kissing Matt, I too was ushered into that room.  Before even resting my head comfortably, I was in la la land and waking up in the staging room I had just left from.  When the nurse said that the IV was going to be worse part, she was right.  After a few minutes of trying to wake up and seeing Matt coming back to my bedside to rub my head and give me some ginger ale, we were soon on our way home.  Shortly after returning home, I went to bed and slept for 2 hours.  I was groggy and tired when I woke and per doctors orders began drinking Gatorade and water.

I thought retrieval day would be the most difficult part of this process, past the shots of course (really, who likes needles?). All I can do is hope and pray things are going well, that egg meets sperm, egg likes sperm and they decide to live happily ever after.  This part is out of my hands.